Will not be beaten

So about a year ago, I logged back onto this site after having taken a short break and found out everything i had posted was gone. Im grateful i saved one post to my phone, and i am going to just republish it. so here it is:

Posted this on my blogger page. 

So sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I think almost a year. No, two years. So much has happened and not much of it was good. Very little was good actually. In short, I moved out, got married and now live back at home with my mom, going through a divorce. I am going to tell you what happened but it will be long, sad and emotional, so reader beware.

So, first off, Taylor. Taylor is a sore subject. She/he (I will explain this in a minute) is not happy part of my life. Don’t get me wrong, the beginning of our relationship was amazing and perfect and made me happy. I felt amazing. Taylor and I dated for a few months. I got swept up in the emotions and the excitement and when she asked to marry me, I said yes. So here is the thing, I told Taylor that I would only say yes if he proposed in a batman suit. Well, he went out a bought a batman shirt and batman boxers. He put on a button up shirt over the t-shirt and we went to the beach. He didn’t make a huge deal about it. Of course, I said yes.

Skipping ahead a few months, I found myself not being able to see my family or wear what I want to wear. I had no friends. I never went out. I wasn’t allowed to see my own family unless I was going over to change my rat’s cage. I wasn’t allowed to see my dog. I had to text Taylor every time I was doing something. If I didn’t text him, I was apparently “cheating” even though I didn’t have any friends or have any contact with the outside world. I stopped using Tumblr or Facebook. I had him constantly reading my texts. He would get really mad if I talked to my mother because all she wanted was money or she was influencing me to leave him, which is total Bullshit.

We had a tiny wedding with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, Ian, his mom and his maid of honor Stephanie. We got married in his living room. His mom married us. His dad….That is a bad story all on its own. So lets start a new paragraph here.

His Dad……He is an angry, sloppy drunk. He abuses Taylor’s mom. She refuses to leave. He never knew that Taylor and I were married. We never even officially told him we were together. He was not a nice man. I had never lived with a drunk before and it is not something I ever want to do again.

Anyways, back to my story. His dad was not at the wedding. He went golfing. After the ceremony, we went to O'Charley’s for lunch and then Taylor and I headed to Myrtle Beach. For those of you who don’t know South Carolina very well, it is close to the border of North Carolina and is a HUGE tourist area. We did a whole bunch of cool Touristy things.

Now back to reality. I was not very happy at all. I honestly didn’t really want to get married. I knew in my gut it was wrong. I should have listened. I would cry all the time. I felt lonely. I even thought about killing myself quite a few times. I am really glad I didn’t.

Remember how I had said she/he above? Well, here we go. One night, while laying in bed watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, a contestant came out as not only being a drag queen but also being transgender. Taylor rolled over, asked me if she could tell me something. I already knew what it was. She said she was transgender and wanted to be a guy. At the time, I didn’t have an issue with it. To be honest I still don’t. What I have an issue with is the fact that he didn’t tell me till AFTER we were married. I never knew what else he was hiding from me.

Then things started to move quickly. He started looking into surgery and T (testosterone injections for those of you who don’t know). Within the next week or two, he had made an appointment with a therapist. Okay, now here is this issue with this therapist. She is a fucking idiot. Taylor lied straight to her face and she turned around and handed him a recommendation to a local cosmetic doctor who would help. The therapy sessions should have taken at least two or three physical sessions. I was livid.

Anyways, A week after that, we were going to a transgender support group. I didn’t mind at all about going. It was actually really nice. But he then found out about the Equality Clinic. This is an amazing group of doctors who help transgenders who can not afford to go to the doctors. It is free. Within the next few days, he had an appointment set up to go to North Carolina or Georgia (I can’t remember which). I was not ready for this.

Then one night, we were talking. He rolled over, we started to talk about our future. I broke down and told him I wasn’t ready. That made him angry. Somewhere in that conversation, the fact that I am Bisexual came up. He told me that he “could never completely trust me and that he never truly did” because I was always going to cheat. That hurt so bad. I couldn’t believe he would marry me if he didn’t trust me. There is no good marriage where there is no trust.

Moving on, one night, he asked if we could have sex. I told him NO. Being stronger then me, he pulled me over and forced himself in me. I didn’t do anything. That was not a good night.

But the day that I decided he truly didn’t leave me was the day my mom came over to swim in the pool. She brought my brother with her. So we all got started talking about going to the movies. I told mom about the Avengers and how good it was. She started talking about how she hadn’t gone to the movies since she saw The Lego Movie. Both of us had completely forgotten that we went to go see Into the Woods together. I then remembered and said “No mom, that’s not true. Remember, we went and saw Into the Woods together.” Mom then said “Oh yeah I forgot about that.”

Now here is the bad part: Once mom left, I went inside to grab clothes and change. I walked into the bedroom, grabbed clothes, and turned to leave. Taylor then pushed me down and started choking me, saying “where you lying? you never actually went to the movies did you? You cheated didn’t you?”

About two weeks later, I was sitting at work, crying and just a mess. My boss was out sick or out of town so I was completely alone at work. I was texting my mom and I realized that I didn’t want to stay in this relationship. I wanted to be free. It was Tuesday June 6th I believe. I went to my mom’s after work because it was raining and the storm was so bad that I didn’t want to drive in it. I got to mom’s, stopped texting Taylor and just sat in my mom’s room and cried till we decided it was time to head to Taylor’s. We had my mom’s friend Dave ride along in a truck behind us.

When we were on our way to Taylor’s, I got about 23 phone calls and a shit ton of text messages from him. After a while, he decided he needed to come look for me because either I was hurt or I was cheating. It took us forever to get to the house. Traffic was bad because of the rain. It had flooded most of the low country that day. No one was at the house when we got there which was really good. Mom and I ran inside and grabbed everything we could that was important. We got as much as we could into her car and then left. What I did next still haunts me to this day. I called Taylor and told him I had grabbed my things and I would be back this weekend for the rest. The way he said “No Baby, Please don’t do this. Please!” will forever be stuck in my brain. It hurts to think about it.

That Sunday, after a very long week of nasty texts and nonstop phone calls, I went and got the rest of my things. I had him put all my things outside. He actually did which was nice. I was able to put most of it in the car before he came out. While we put my things in the car Taylor started saying some nasty things about me to my mom, trying to justify what He did. He was telling my mom to ask me about my sex life because I liked being choked and he was just doing what I wanted.

Now comes the STUPID part. Okay so we bought a new phone for me after we got married. So, I went to Verizon and tried to get my number off his plan so he didn’t have to pay for it. I couldn’t do that without Taylor’s information. I tried really hard to get it from him but he wouldn’t give me anything. So mom said we should go to AT&T and just trade this phone in for a new one and put me back on her plan. So we did and funny thing is, for an iPhone six I got a new iPhone, an otter box and a bluetooth headset. They gave me $350 and only had me pay $200 for a new phone. Two year contract but whatever.

So anyways, he made a huge deal about getting the phone back. He even called the cops on me. The cop called my mom, and she asked if Taylor had mentioned we were married. In South Carolina, there was nothing he could do about it. Stupid right?

So, after leaving, I realized how horrible it was not to have friends. I just want to say thank you to the following amazing people who let me back into their lives:
Mort
David
Ian
Charlotte
Patrick

Okay, so I think that is about it for that story. I am sure I will think of more.
I love you all. Thank you for all of your support.

Just venting

Okay guys,

So I logged onto my blog hoping to go back and read over what I have posted over the past six years and all my posts were gone. Like they never existed.